It’s My Blog, and I’ll Cry If I Want To

I try not to post too much sad or super-personal stuff on my blog. That’s typically reserved for close friends and personal journal writing.

However, recent events have kind of turned my world upside down, and since recently I’ve gotten several new followers, I wanted to explain why I haven’t been so great with updating my blog. And, yes. It may sound like a temporary pity party for myself, but once I get it out, I promise to get back to semi-regularly scheduled programming.

If you’re at all familiar with the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, you know that there are different life events that cause more or less stress in a person’s life. Weddings, new jobs, deaths, and birth of a child are some examples. Each event is given a certain number of points, and by totaling up all the points you have, you’re supposed to get an idea of how much stress is present in your life.

There are some flaws with this particular test, and I personally think there are some items that should be on there that aren’t. But for the most part, it’s a pretty interesting way to see how stressed you are and whether you may be at risk for developing a stress-induced illness.

According to the test, if you score 300 or more, you are at high risk. I took this test and scored 458.

I won’t go into all the details, but here’s just a few things you need to know to understand my current situation.

  • 6 months ago, I was laid off from my job of 7 years. I was unhappy there anyway, and everything worked out in the end, as I got a new job I very much like. However, new job has quite a different salary than old job. While I am more driven by happiness than money, this change in income suddenly has a huge impact on my current situation.
  • Boyfriend of 4 years and I have decided to go our separate ways. I will spare the details of this particular situation, other than the fact that now-ex-boyfriend is also still current roommate.
  • I am now looking for a new place to live. Apartment hunting is horrendous right now. So bad, in fact, that it was just the cover story in the Red Eye last week. And to top it all off, I have to seriously downgrade from what I was able to pay the last time I lived alone. (See first bullet.)
  • I have already seen dozens of horrid apartments, including today that was so dirty and disgusting we should have been wearing HAZMAT suits. I’m not even kidding. The current tenants have been out of town for at least a week, but had dirty dishes with cereal still in them sitting on the coffee table; at least 6 bags full of trash sitting in the hallway, and cat poop all over the floor. The stench was so awful, I had to walk right out. I had never seen anything like that in my life. And then there’s the apartment I DID like. The one I ran in the rain to the leasing office to get my deposit in, but the next morning was informed they gave it to someone else first. I am getting desperate, and seriously may need to put my stuff into storage and couch surf for a few weeks.

Most of my life is now taken up with either apartment hunting, being taken out by friends to keep me busy, and trying to sleep. I haven’t been running. I haven’t been focusing on writing or reading or working in general.

I really do believe that everything I am going through will work out in the long run. I am trying to view all this as steps to finding what will truly make me happy. But in the meantime, I kind of just want to jump off a cliff.

But in an attempt to show the positive side of things, I do have plenty to be thankful for as well.

  • I have so many amazing friends who have reached out to me , invited me to something to get me out of the house, called to check on me, and offered to give me a place to stay for a while.
  • I know, despite how it feels right now, I will not end up homeless. I may need to lock some stuff up in storage, but I have plenty of options. Options are good.
  • I have a job I really enjoy, and even though they can’t afford to pay me much, they seem to still like and value me, despite my recent breakdowns.
  • I have an upcoming trip to Disneyland over Labor Day weekend for the Disneyland Half Marathon.
    (This is a positive, and also a stressor. I have my race, flights, and hotels booked, but I currently don’t have anyone to go with. I am typically someone who doesn’t mind traveling alone – I’ve gone to New Orleans, England, and Ireland solo, and loved it. Disneyland, however, is another story. I’m seriously terrified of getting kicked out of the park for being that creepy old adult with no kids riding the rides. But anyway, solo trip to Disney. I’ll consider it a positive.
  • I have a chance for a fresh start, in nearly every aspect of my life right now. It’s giving me an opportunity to reclaim my life and shape it in new ways. Who knows what possibilities lie ahead. (I may even have a few ideas brewing…)

So, there you have it. My current life in a nutshell. It’s rough for now, but I hope that what it really means is that you’ll be reading about many new and amazing adventures that will be coming my way. Out with the old, and in with the new.

10 thoughts on “It’s My Blog, and I’ll Cry If I Want To

  1. Cary, I am really sorry that you are feeling so stressed right now. It is a terrible feeling to have but you will get through it and come out on top.

    It is really wonderful to have a job you enjoy, most people cannot say that, and I think you are very wise to keep it even though the pay doesn’t meet your expectations. Happiness always trumps income. You will learn how to make adjustments and live well on your lesser salary, just give it a few more months.

    I am truly very sorry to hear about your relationship, an ending is always very sad, regardless of the situations that brought it about. In time you will feel better and most likely learn a lot more about yourself as an individual. Relationships always shape us in some way or another, it’s reflecting on those ways that really help us grow.

    You are very lucky to have wonderful friends to help you during this time and it is fantastic that you can see and appreciate how much they care for you. Support is the most pleasant thing you can have during a terrible time.

    I know you are going to find a wonderful apartment, it might not be the biggest or most modern, but the truth is you will find one, make it yours and love it. I can feel that! Moving is a lot of work, but it is always fun, too! You can create a whole new world for yourself and don’t need to worry about suiting other peoples likes :)

    I think the solo trip to Disney is going to be great for you. Reconnect with yourself, take a great big time out and make yourself laugh. You might even meet new people that you might not have met if you weren’t alone. I think your run is going to feel great, very therapeutic even, if you let it be.

    Sorry this is so long, I just want you to know I care. I know things are going to turn out in such great ways for you. With the positive attitude you have, there is no way that they wouldn’t.


    • Thank you so much. :) I know you’ve had your fair share of ups and downs, too, but I like to believe life doesn’t throw us anything we can’t handle.

      I’m just “handling” it with lots of breakdowns and outbursts. :)

      The support from all my friends, in real life and in the blogging world, really do help make it a little more bearable. Thanks!

  2. I’m sorry to hear things are so stressful for you right now, but I think it’s awesome that you are being so positive about it. I know you’ll get through this and land in a great apartment, surrounded by what sound like great friends.

    • Thanks, Maggie. I’m trying to be as positive as I can, but it’s not always easy. I’m just looking forward to finally knowing where I am going to live so I can focus my energy on running and training again, instead of apartment hunting.

  3. I’m so sorry to hear about the stressful things happening in your life right now. Life is black and white with some grey in-between – it’s perfect at times and unbearable at others. Stay strong and positive and never forget that everything happens for a reason and things have a way of working themselves out.

  4. Thanks for feeling comfortable in letting us in on your stressors. I hope sharing it made you feel a bit better. Sometimes it does for me!

    I am so happy you have such caring friends and a positive attitude and some things to look forward to. Hang in there and remember we are here if you need to chat/vent!

    • Thanks, Kim. I think once I figure out where I will be living, everything else will become a little easier to deal with.

      It’s also nice to have several different outlets for everything – friends, blogs, long runs….it all helps in different ways.

  5. I am so sorry to hear about everything that you are currently going through. When it rains, it pours, doesn’t it? I know how stressful and hard it can be (side note: I just got laid off from my job of 7.5 years, too). But your positivity is terrific, and all the frustrations are temporary and will eventually fade away, I promise. There’s a saying that I live by during tough times, which is that “Things are always okay in the end. If they aren’t okay, then it’s not the end.”

    I agree with Ginger that your trip to Disneyland is going to be just what the doctor ordered for you, whether it be solo or with company. Kick back and enjoy yourself, and let yourself revel in the festiveness of the occasion. It’s something to look forward to – and sometimes that, in itself, can make such a difference in our outlook.

    Hang in there and know that we are all here for you, that we all believe in you, and that we support you no matter what happens!

  6. Ughhh. Bigggggg hugs! I have been in all of those situations, but never all at the same time. I can’t imagine the stress levels. I know things will come together soon – just hang in there. (in my experience, the apartment comes to you in the 13th hour!!) Use that trip to reset yourself (and i assure you, you are probably the furthest thing from creepy at disneyland….) :)

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